RP help?

[Gaylekit]

normally I wouldn't ask but I want to open my own site and I mean what kinda of owner would I be if my site was horrible right?.
So I am going to post a short RP its probably not long and I just need critz K? k.

Halftail crept threw the tall grass stalking a mouse she scented it was right in front of her,
She was just about to pounce on it when a Grey tabby jumped out and grabbed her prey "What are you doing?!" she yelled at him

So what do you think?

[Battlecry]

Hurm, you can definitly add more detail to it. Explain the scenery, what the cat looks, the time of day might affect the roleplay entry even. Hell, go as far as to describe the grass, or the mouse even. Also, try to keep the roleplay fluent, not to many 'enter', and know when to use commas and when not to. ^^ Here you go, i'll edit the post for punctuation and mark everything wrong, okay?

Halftail crept threw the tall grass stalking a mouse she'd scented. It was right in front of her. [No enter necessary] She was just about to pounce on it, when a Grey tabby jumped out and grabbed her prey "What are you doing?!" she yelled at him.

[Gaylekit]

Thanks! that helps a lot seriously.